Grizzly Rage

Dir: David DeCoteau

Starring: Tyler Hoechlin

Graham Kosakoski

Brody Harms

& Kate Todd

With a premise and story that could easily be whittled down to a thirty minute short film, Grizzly Rage stretches itself wafer thin -- only to deliver a remarkable number of zero key ingredients that are essential in composing a horror film. All you should be privy to is that there are scenes that literally go on for five to ten minutes where all a character does is look around a room. This could be acceptable if the footage were inner-cut with a disembowelment happening elsewhere, an obligatory sex scene, or a surprise spectral attack.

Instead of polluting your minds with the carrion that this film is passing off as a plot point, I, with no question, feel that you would be better off knowing my gripe I had when purchasing lunch at a local L&L the other day. Growing up in a family with a Hawaiian father, I have been known to hold a bit of a cavalier attitude when it comes to the island's native cuisine. In all sincerity, there is no better way to start off the day than with two scoop rice, two eggs -- over easy, white toast, and a plate of Portagee' sausage. If you don't know the latter menu item, you are sheltered and unfortunately missing out on a food that is one of the reasons I eat for sport, not nourishment. Which brings me to...

Strike one -- this establishment had no Portagee' sausage and therefore, could not provide me with the sandwich I was so desperately craving.

Strike two -- no manapua -- a staple in sustaining life.

Strike three -- this is a bit difficult because I never, ever, ever order katsu when I'm at a Hawaiian restaurant. Japanese style chicken fingers are usually the last thing from my mind, so the blame was partially on me for not getting Lau Lau or Kahlua Pig. But katsu is NOT hard to make. This nonsense was a.) over cooked, and b.) used with what seemed to be the remnants of Star Jones' sporadic weight loss. That's two to my one.

So, take that, and compare it to a jeep of frat-boys who accidently hit a baby grizzly bear, only to be stalked by its mother -- an indignant beast who has been genetically enhanced by local toxic waste disposal. Which would benefit you more? Knowing that tid bit of plot, or knowing to steer clear of the L&L in Portland off of 82nd in SE?